I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
