also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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