Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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