pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This is the high leading the old right now
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
