So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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