i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
