You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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