Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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