I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
