so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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