you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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