i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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