Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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