I think scott just propositioned me for sex
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
