So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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