"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
