I faked an abortion last night.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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