i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
