Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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