Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
