So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
