No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
