so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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