I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
