dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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