The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
