I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
