My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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