I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We left an ass print on the piano.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
