I looked at my own cervix.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
