saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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