Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize