It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
