I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
