Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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