fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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