hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
