the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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