you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
