can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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