I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
