a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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