OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
