why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
