bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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