I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
