Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I love you. Go after that dick
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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