That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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