I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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