I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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