It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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