I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
