Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
