Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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