just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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