No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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