I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
