Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
