Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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