the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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