finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
